Abusive Marriage: Biblical Perspective, Part 3

For part 2 in the series, please click, Abusive Marriage, Part 2

So, how do you deal with an abusive spouse in an abusive marriage?

Purpose

Number one is by knowing that marriage is not all that there is to the life of a Christian. You have not been created and saved to suffer in an abusive marriage. You have been created to serve God. Col 3:24b says, ‘for you serve the Lord Christ.’ Eph 2:10 says, ‘For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand that we should walk in them.’ See, we have been created by God to serve Him by doing good deeds/works. Also, we have been saved to serve God. II Tim 1:9, ‘Who has saved us and called us with a holy calling.’

Understand this folks, you have been bought with the precious blood of Christ, which means through Christ’s death, we’ve been bought. I Pet 1:19. You are not your own. I Cor 6:19b.

You are not your own

You are God’s property. Your identity and being is in God. You were and are married with the purpose of serving God through the help and support of your spouse. You live for Christ as Paul said in Phil 1:21, ‘For to me, to live is Christ.’

Do not remain stuck in an abusive marriage for the sake of retaining your marital status. Run the race like an athlete laying aside every weight with endurance the race that is set before us. Heb 12:1

Position

Suffering in futility

Husband and wife are co-heirs of the grace of life I Pet 3:7. ‘Grace’ simply means a ‘gift’, and one of the best gifts life has to offer is marriage. Thus, Bible gives equal status to both the man and the woman. A woman is not a slave to her husband and a husband is not a master to her. You do not have to suffer mental and physical abuse, humiliation, assault, harassment, and be neglected. Do not consider such abuse as suffering for Christ. Don’t pat yourself on the back that you are enduring suffering for the sake of Christ.

Pain

The more you suffer and endure it, the more you will accumulate hurt feelings, harbor grudge, bitterness, hatred, and anger against your spouse and the more difficult will it be for you to forgive and move on or reconcile with your spouse in the future. Talk to your spouse of the pain that He/she is inflicting on you. If he/she accepts her/his sin, you’ve gained your spouse. If he/she does not, confront your spouse with few members of the church. If he/she accepts, great! But if he/she does not, take the matter to the church. If he/she still does not accept his/her sin, then let the church consider such as sinner and throw him/her out of the church. Matt 18:15-20.

Peace

In I Cor 7:15 Paul says, ‘But God has called us to peace.’ Again, he says in verse 5, ‘Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.’ What a beautiful advice for a Christian couple in conflict! Separate for a while, with mutual consent for the purpose of giving yourself to fasting and prayer (for seeking God's grace and guidance) and come back together so that due to the lack of your spouse, you fall into temptation and commit sexual sin. As Peter said in I Pet 3:7b, ‘that your prayers may not be hindered.’

Our Lord Jesus Christ abhors the concept of divorce except on the ground of infidelity. Even in the matter of sexual immorality, a Christian spouse may forgive his/her erring partner in grace and love. ‘Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.’ Matt 6:12

For part 4 in the series, please click, 

Abusive Marriage: Biblical Perspective, Part 1

I am constrained to talk on this issue of abusive marriage because someone close to me is trapped in an abusive marriage. And that reminds me (though it is hard to forget) of my growing years.

I grew up in a family where my father abused my mom physically, mentally and emotionally. The physical and mental assault had a lasting impact on her. She became a picture of disaster. For as long as I had seen her, she lived an isolated life, cut-off from the society. Years of brutal and consistent assault left her with a low self-esteem and inferiority complex. The assault ceased after number of years only to return as she became more sick and became bedridden during the past one year (2011-April, 2012). In 2011, I even sought help and reported his criminal acts to the police, who like others, refused to intervene and help.

As her children began to fly away from the nest leaving her lonely, she was left to face my dad all by herself. It was only during a year before her death, as she lay in the hospital, I prodded her to share her agony and travails. She died on May 03, 2012. These are just few bits of information I am sharing for the benefit of my readers.

I never saw my mom and dad talk eye to eye. Any conversation, barely initiated, would result in my dad shrugging her off with his insensitive remark or a statement. He just did not respect her. I suppose, over the years, she realized there was no sense in having a conversation with him.

She confessed if she had the money, she would have quit her marriage. She was trapped as she had no financial back-up nor was she in a position to work, having been drained of her physical strength. She bore five children in a span of seven years. By the time the assault started, she was thirty one plus and a mother of five growing children.

She did not receive any support from the church or believers, some of who knew her ordeals. The church, the pastors, the believers all failed in their duties towards a fellow sister in Christ who was left to fight it out a lone battle. In the thirty five years that I’ve been in the church, I’ve never heard a message on the issue of abusive marriage.

Let’s begin our discussion with few questions.

What do you do when you are trapped in an abusive marriage? What do you do when you are being abused physically or mentally or both? What do you do when you are being picked on, ill-treated, humiliated, harassed, assaulted and consciously neglected by your spouse?

Confusion

These and many other questions disturb and perturb Christians in their married life. Christians are confused over this and the church has nothing to offer in these practical areas of life, having turned a blind eye to these real-life issues. The pastors and Bible teachers have failed to teach the full counsel of God to their church members. May God judge these pastors and teachers!

What is the Biblical perspective on such a sensitive and serious issue? What does Bible has to say about a marriage-gone-horribly-wrong? How should a Christian react and respond in these situations? What is the course of action available for the victim in such a marriage?

For part 2 in the series, please click, Abusive Marriage, Part 2

Abusive Marriage: Bible's Perspective, Part 2

For part 1 in the series, please click, Abusive Marriage, Part 1

Now, it troubles me when I see and hear the prevailing approach among Christians to this issue. The approach closely resembles that followed by the unregenerate society.

In India, among unbelievers, society's respect, family honor and reputation are the primary concern. In the unregenerate society, the parents may sympathize with the suffering of their daughter but will refuse to bail her out. She is counseled by her parents, elders of the family, siblings and relatives to continue with the marriage at all costs and to bear the suffering, all for the sake of family honor and reputation in the society. The question they are concerned about is ‘what people will say?’

False Pride

Due to their false pride and ego, being a result of the depravity of their minds, the unregenerate society disregards the rights of and goodwill towards an individual. The society is willing to sacrifice the individual than take a hit on its false pride. Since it does not worship the True and Living God, it is not concerned about the impact such abusive marriage will have in her relationship with her God. An evil and corrupt society is engrossed in religion, its rituals, customs and tradition and has no concept of God.

We Christians, having been raised in such a society and surrounded by unbelievers, too are guilty of ignorantly believing and foolishly following these customs and belief system which are contrary and are abominable to God. God of the Bible abhors the customs which are in total defiance of statutes as laid down in the Bible. We are continuously being bombarded with their approach through news and entertainment media.

At the outset, it is good to know few Biblical truths about marriage. Listen folk, marriage is important, honorable and desirable as is also written in Heb 13:3, 'Marriage is honorable among all' as well as in Prov 18:22, 'He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the LORD.' Paul also reiterated the same thing in I Cor 7:2, 9, 28, 36 and 38.

For part 3 in the series, please click,